


Further away

by moni26



Series: Hunter's Moon 500 Prompts [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec hasn't come out and isn't ready to, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, M/M, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:08:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 4,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26645776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moni26/pseuds/moni26
Summary: Alec tries to get through a day of school while avoiding everyone.
Relationships: Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Hunter's Moon 500 Prompts [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1938634
Comments: 20
Kudos: 92
Collections: Hunter's Moon 500 Prompts





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For word prompt : Distance

Alec examined the dirt gathered between the cracks of the floor in the cafeteria while waiting in line behind a string of people to buy his lunch. He was half-considering giving up and just going to the library instead, since he knew there would not be many students there. Most of them were now gathering and chatting with their groups of friends, around the tables on Alec's right or in the schoolyard, getting advantage of the lunch break before it was over.

Alec was wary not to meet Jace's eyes as he knew that if Jace spotted him, there was no running away. He would guilt-trip Alec into sitting on his table. With Izzy and Simon and... yeah, Jace's new girlfriend-the redhead Alec was actively avoiding. At all costs.

_"Why do you always look so miserable?"_ Clary had suddenly confronted him the other day.

_"I don't,"_ Alec had fired back, not knowing what prompted the question, but not interested to indulge in it.

_"You do,"_ she had pressed with a tone steeped in conviction which easily made Alec uncomfortable. _"Must be hard being in love with Magnus while you're not even out yet. I've seen how you look at him. Busted, no?"_

And those were the words after which Alec firmly promised himself to never speak to Clary ever again.

If she comes by their house, Alec will hide. If he can't hide, he'll jump from the window and escape. If she tries to approach him, Alec would pretend to be deaf.

It was manageable, right? Just until Jace switches girlfriends like he sometimes does, or Clary dumps him first. One or the other. Because there was no way Jace and Clary would last. No way.

Alec would have to move to another state if they do.

His gaze was down when he provided himself with a basic tray of food and headed for the library before he stumbles into anyone familiar.

"Alexander, are you alright?" a voice near him questioned.

And Alec shouldn't have stopped to look at the person coming towards him, but he was apparently weak and incapable to follow his own rules.

Magnus regarded him with a soft look, his face attentive and Alec... really couldn't do this right now.

Had Clary told him? Was she going to tell anyone? Was she going to tell **everyone**?

"No, I... I have somewhere to be," Alec mumbled, trying to excuse himself when turning his back and concentrating on one step after another until he was further away.

He felt guilty for being this rude, but it was for the best.

Magnus was Magnus and Alec was... nothing much. Magnus was beautiful and brilliant and full of life.

Alec was not.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 500 words or less, for word prompt : Denial

It was day 11 of Alec wondering who Clary might have told and wishing to be invisible. Some part of his mind insisted that she wouldn't spread everything around, but another part of him was in constant alarm, trying to decide if others were looking at him differently.

He mostly wished for nobody to look at him at all. And he had discovered that the best way to believe no one is looking, was if Alec just stops looking at them first.

His head was bowed more often then not, following his steps while he moved through the hallways.

He had been worried his more detached behavior will draw the attention of his siblings, that they will corner him with questions like: 'What the hell is your problem?' or 'Alec, what is wrong with you again?'. But it had been more subtle than that, easier to handle.

Izzy had told him to speak to her if he wants to, about whatever he wants to. Jace was spending all his time near Clary lately, too busy hovering around her. And since she was the one Alec avoided the most, Alec's time around Jace was more limited than ever.... yet Jace didn't give indication to have noticed.

Magnus had tried to speak with him a couple more times, but had given up before Alec panics about it. He couldn't stop remembering Clary's words, now carved in his mind: _'I've seen how you look at him. Busted, no?'_

So Alec thought- if he doesn't look at Magnus, if he keeps his head down the way he does while not looking at others, it would be okay. What he thinks... what he feels... it would be concealed. Hidden. Won't be a disturbing and irking neon sign to draw the attention of Clary or anyone else.

The bus stop was overcrowded at the end of another tiring school day. Alec passed through it and kept going.

It was his habit of sorts. Not to stay stuck at one place waiting for the bus to arrive, but to walk himself to the next bus stop, usually not filled with students waiting. It wasn't that far really, and the walk gave Alec a chance for a time-off, time alone when he didn't have to be so aware of himself.

He didn't have to be aware of where he looked, how he stood, how he talked. He didn't have to keep his head down anymore. He was just by himself, so finally no one was looking his way.

Alec was so relieved by it that this time, when he reached the next stop, he didn't wait there either. He kept moving until he found himself at the bus stop after that, and the next one after that, and the next one after that. Until he reached home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HM500- 500 words or less challenge  
> For word prompt : Forgot
> 
> WARNING- a car almost hits Alec, he has a panic attack of sorts later.

Going home on foot wasn't meant to be a sustained rule Alec follows regularly. Not at first.

But Alec had resolved to it over and over again, so frequently that it became not just a casual occurrence but a steady routine.

The prospect of spending more minutes in the closed space of a bus filled with people, after already having spent the better part of the day in confined classrooms which were the same, started to feel from unnecessary to dreadful. The more Alec avoided it, the more he couldn't bring himself to stop. He could no longer give up the walks that gave him a break, the wind hitting his face when he was in a hurry and distracting him from his sadness, the freedom he could only get when he was alone.

His reluctance to abandon the imagined security of that increased, to the point where he didn't want to wait for the bus in early mornings too. Instead he would set his alarm every night to wake him earlier than it normally did, to be able to walk to school and be on time.

It worked. Until it didn't.

Alec was running through a street, crossing at a red light and catching a speeding black Honda from the corner of his eye, the driver managing to come to a halt just in time before hitting him, pressing the horn to ring in Alec's ears.

He just kept running, the threat of almost being run over not entirely computing.

He was going to be late! He was going to be so late!

It was Monday morning and Alec had forgotten to set his alarm earlier. The weekend had distracted him and it had slipped from his mind. It was impossible to arrive on time, but Alec hoped beyond hope that he would, taking shortcuts, his heart hammering against his ribcage, trying not to stop but he had to, multiple times, or else he was going to pass out.

By the time he made his way to the school, overwhelming worry was welling in his chest. He realised he didn't make it by the sight of the closed classroom door that finally made him stop in his tracks.

The classes had started, he could hear the teacher's monotone voice from the other side of the door.

How could he put himself in that position? How could he forget something as elementary as an alarm?

He knew what will happen when he opens the door, he could picture the teacher's stern and outraged expression caging him, everyone's attention on him, staring at him.

Cold sweat clouded his forehead, his stomach twisting with fear which was paralyzing and unfurling inside him, impossible to swallow down. Suddenly all the breath he could take wasn't enough and his hands were violently shaking until the relentless fear took over with nothing to suppress it.

He couldn't do this! 

He couldn't open the door. He couldn't face anyone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HM500- 500 words or less challenge  
> For word prompt : Knot

A continuous noise from short quick steps cut through the layers of Alec's anxiety, pulling down the remains of the black hole he had sunk in.

For the first couple seconds Alec didn't react. He had dropped to the floor in the narrow hallway, his back pressed against a cold wall and sitting in a corner from the opposite side of the classroom, his arms loosely around his bent legs while he was trying to make himself small and unnoticeable.

His hands weren't shaking so much anymore, but he still didn't trust himself.

He didn't want to, but he knew he had to look up, turn to the direction of the sound and... do something. He expected the worst even though he had no measure of what the worst was.

Simon Lewis scurried down the corridor, a few books barely balanced between his right hand and his side, staring at a screen of a smartphone he was holding in his left one, and also carrying a rucksack which hung from one shoulder.

He looked disordered and chaotic in a way Alec usually feared to be seen as.

Simon noticed Alec only after Alec had noticed him first, something reassuring about it, meaning that Alec might not have been the total disaster everyone would stare at, at least not entirely.

But that wasn't enough to destroy the unrelenting knot of nerves at the pit of Alec's stomach. Maybe nothing could.

"Oh man, you wouldn't believe what happened," Simon started talking right away. "My sister went to a sleepover last night without my mom's permission. So my mom was furious this morning and had to go pick her up, she couldn't drive me to school and I'm arriving just now, when I'm sure I've missed...''

Simon kept rambling which gave Alec time to try gather himself, stand up and say something before Simon notices something was wrong. "So... you're late too?" Alec managed after Simon finished talking, ignoring the faint dryness in his voice.

"Unfortunately," Simon admitted sheepishly. He looked displeased about it, but nowhere near as scared as Alec had been.

"Are we not allowed to attend the class because we're late?" Simon questioned with a pout, surely indicating that Alec was still positioned with his back pressed on the opposite wall from the room.

''No, I mean, I don't know. I didn't check, I got... too dizzy.''

"Oh say no more," Simon waved his hand in resolution. "You need an energy bar. I carry some with me every day.'' He fumbled in his rucksack, almost dropping everything he was carrying until he found what he was looking for, offering Alec a small dessert.

Alec felt a wave of gratitude when he carefully took it, even though he knew it won't help with the knot twisting everything with worry.

They parted ways after Alec promised to eat his energy bar and consider going to the nurse, Simon getting to class while Alec turned the other way, dragging his feet without destination.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HM500- 500 words or less challenge  
> For word prompt : Lie

"You skipped 3 classes?" Maryse measured him through her disappointed countenance, painted with undertones of surprise and disbelief.

It hadn't been long after Alec returned home that she had learned that, knocking on the door of his room after diner and seeking some reasonable explanation.

"How could this happen?" she rebuked. ''You've never missed classes like that before. What's next? You'll start running away from school to smoke cigarettes and hang out with bad crowd like some of your other idler classmates I hear about on parent-teacher meetings?''

''No, I wouldn't,'' Alec shook his head quickly, denying it as soon as he could.

''Then where were you when you were supposed to be in class?'' Maryse proceeded. ''And I know you weren't home, so don't try to convince me that you were.''

Alec's thoughts were jumbled, trying to form words that wouldn't sound flimsy and would fix this.

In truth, he had been walking around bus stops with no aim until he got too tired and convinced himself to go back, trying to attend the classes that were left, keeping his head down the rest of the day and telling himself it would be okay.

He didn't know how to explain that. He felt like he had gotten too weak, and he didn't want his mother to know it. He didn't want her to know how incapable he could be.

Because Simon had been late as well, but Simon carried on. Alec didn't.

Maybe Alec was a coward who couldn't handle the simplest things.

Maybe the problem had always been in him.

He had blamed Clary because the day she confronted him was still a source of fear. Everything she said was still in his head no matter how he tried to forget it.

He had blamed Clary because she spat in his face something she shouldn't know, and she did it casually like it was nothing.

But no matter how much Alec tried to escape from that, escape from Clary, escape from everyone, the problem was him. And he couldn't escape from himself.

How could he tell his mother that?

_ I'm not strong, or capable, and I can't just be. _

_ I don't want to feel different than the others. _

_I miss Magnus so much, but if I'm looking at him wrong, I don't want him to see it._

_Whatever is happening to me... I wish I didn't feel it. I wish I didn't feel anything._

He couldn't say that. Maryse expected a better answer.

''I think I'm getting sick with a flu,'' Alec said instead. ''I felt really unwell, so I couldn't attend the first couple of classes. You can ask Simon to confirm. He found me and told me I should go to the nurse.''

When his words trailed to a close, Alec felt tears stinging his eyes.

Maryse's expression changed into a concerned one, asking him how he feels now, and Alec kept lying, part of him preferring that she worries for his health than to know.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HM500- 500 words or less challenge  
> For word prompt : Quiet

Alec wasn't sure how it happened but he got the rest of the week free due to everyone believing he was getting sick.

Maryse left him vitamins and medicine in case he had a fever. Izzy made him soup and left it on his nightstand. Jace patted his shoulder and joked about it to cheer him up.

Simon and Magnus sent him a couple of massages Alec never looked to read. He couldn't. He didn't deserve those massages, neither did he deserve the worry he caused his siblings. Making them this concerned was cruel and unfair, and Alec should know better. It wasn't their fault if he was slipping away.

But... once he started lying, the resolution that he was simply ill sounded like the only rational explanation there could be. Alec clung to it tighter and tighter.

The next morning he watched everyone leave and take on their tasks. Maryse had work, Jace and Izzy had school, Robert was on a business trip overseas. Everyone had somewhere to be and something to do.

Except Alec. Alec was sick, so he had nowhere to be and nothing to do.

All those days when he just wanted to be left alone... now he got his wish.

He looked around the empty house, nothing but space and quiet surrounding him.

Alec crawled into his bed, pulling the blanket over his shoulders, knowing that this time he was truly alone.

If was difficult to fill the void Alec had created. For the first time in a long time, he felt like being by himself wasn't enough.

Would others forget him? Did Alec wanted to be forgotten?

His mind jumped back to Magnus. Did he want Magnus to stop sending messages, to stop reaching out?

Alec took a steadying breath, hugging himself.

It didn't matter what he wanted. Soon Magnus would reach his limit and stop trying to contact him. When he does, Alec needed to let it go, no more creating issues for everyone, no more excusing himself or trying to justify how rude he had been. Alec wasn't worth all this trouble. And Magnus didn't deserve to be avoided.

Magnus deserved someone who would answer his calls at the first ring and never even think of turning away from him; someone amazing and considerate and unafraid.

* * *

Alec spent his time like that, feeling the most isolated he had ever been, only the buzzing of his abandoned phone invading the quiet. It was only the beginning of his free days due to illness, and it had already felt like eternity.

He kept reminding himself that the isolation was his own making, that this was what he wished for.

He started to prepare lunch, needing any activity to be occupied, when he heard the doorbell.

Alec didn't think much of it, maybe his mother had finished work early or it was a neighbour.

He opened the door and his breath caught in his throat.

''Alexander,'' his visitor spoke up then, uncertainty clouding his voice.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HM500 challenge  
> For word prompt : Scales

Alec was bewildered and not computing what had brought Magnus there.

He looked at the other boy standing on his doorstep, the gusts of wind enclosing around him and mercilessly messing his usually styled hair. But that wasn't what threw Alec off-kilter and surprised him the most. It was the nervous expression on Magnus's face, one Alec had rarely ever seen before.

Magnus was usually fearless and confident in everything he was doing. That was how Alec perceived him most of the time- attentive and considerate to others but sure in himself. Back when Alec was younger, he first met Magnus after he transferred with Izzy and Jace from their previous school to the one they attended now. Alec had been 12, but even then had noticed how brave Magnus could be, and had secretly compared him to the superheroes he would hear about from Simon or other students. 

With time the scales had started to turn though, and Alec began to question his fondness for Magnus, still finding an explanation and managing to rationalise it. People had regular friends, and then they had best friends as well. So if Magnus was a best friend for Alec, it wouldn't be unusual if Alec was gravitating towards him more, it would be understandable. 

But then the scales had continued turning, changing all the things that never needed to change. Now Alec was 17 and he couldn't accept the direction his feelings had taken. Clary's remark stayed with him too, and he dreaded the idea that nothing was in his control anymore.

In front of him Magnus proceeded to talk further. 

''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude in this way. Isabelle told me you're feeling unwell and you won't be coming to school this week. I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I swear, I wasn't going to show up like that. I called first, but I...,'' Magnus paused, checking Alec's face and Alec turned his eyes away. They both knew Alec hadn't been answering his phone for a while. Magnus cleared his throat, his face dropping more and more when he let this matter go and continued to recount. ''Anyways, I remembered how you hate studying without notes, and I realised you wouldn't have any for this week. So I wanted to offer you mine. We have History and Math together, so you are welcomed to borrow my notes for everything you need. I carried some of them with me and I wanted to ask if you would... want them.''

Magnus's words made Alec's previous resolution to keep avoiding him deflate. Had he really gone to the trouble of bringing him notes? 

When regret started welling in Magnus's eyes, the other boy taking Alec's silence as a cue to being unwelcomed, Alec felt like his heart was going to break if he lets Magnus leave into the cold outside.

''Do you want to come in?'' Alec found himself asking, still self-conscious, but far from panicking at the idea.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HM500 challenge  
> For word prompt : Ghost

When Alec invited Magnus to come in, and then have lunch with him if he wants to, he couldn't miss the subtle beam of relief holding Magnus's features. It tugged at Alec's heart, the confirmation that Magnus had probably feared their friendship was over and now was relieved it wasn't.

And the truth was that no matter how uncertain of himself Alec got, he could never be the one to end their friendship. Not for good. Instead he believed his behaviour would drive Magnus away, understandably so, and then Magnus would be the one to stop considering Alec a part of his circle of friends.

Alec was still half-questioning what he was doing now, deliberating over why inviting Magnus didn't seem so daunting, why it hadn't caused Alec to internally go over all the host of reasons supporting his original decision to be alone.

Maybe because he felt so isolated before, that Magnus's current presence was unexpected but not unpleasant. It disrupted the somber atmosphere Alec had fallen into, quietly changing it into something brighter.

Or maybe because they weren't in school, and Alec didn't need to worry about others noticing them, drawing conclusions about them.

The only thing that mattered now was what Magnus thought. Therefore when Alec offered to make him a hot chocolate, and a ghost of a smile lit up Magnus's face, most of Alec's uncertainty started descending.

During their lunch, instead of asking Alec to explain what had gone wrong in the past couple of weeks, Magnus seemed content to just engage in an easy conversation with him, telling Alec about what he had missed at school, and whether there were any exams coming. 

Magnus's warm behaviour responded in Alec's nerves settling down even more. When Alec noticed another ghost of a smile crossing Magnus's face, he wished he could let go of the tightness in his chest to just be with Magnus and listen to him without worry.

"I'm not ill. I... made that up," Alec said at one point, because he somehow felt safer confessing it then. There were other words, other truths still stuck in his throat, but those were the only ones he could really say out loud.

''It was stupid of me,'' Alec continued, taking a shuddery breath. ''I'm just so stupid.''

Some tear had made its way down his cheek without him realising. Alec gritted his teeth, irritated with himself. 

Magnus leapt to his feet, standing from his chair and coming up to where Alec was sitting, crouching down next to him. Alec didn't think at all when his hands intertwined with Magnus's, not knowing who reached out first. 

''Alexander, please don't tear yourself down because of matters like this.'' 

Alec couldn't reply right away but Magnus didn't ask him to. He pulled Alec up and drew him in a soft hug, making Alec relax against him instantly.

More tears escaped his eyes while Magnus was holding him, but Alec felt less embarrassed by it, simply hugging Magnus back.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HM500 challenge  
> For word prompt : Nail

"Once I skipped school because I had an appointment for manicure I couldn't postpone,'' Magnus mentioned offhandedly after they oriented towards Alec's room, going through the notes Magnus had brought.

Alec's hand lied in his, Magnus drawing lazy patterns onto his wrist, just a simple contact but it made Alec lean in before replying, "You are kidding."

''Nope. Not it the slightest,'' Magnus retorted with a funny and insistent shift in his countenance. ''I take the condition of my nails rather seriously, and decent manicurists are hard to come by. Besides- it was an emergency.''

''How so?'' Alec softly asked, just because he liked Magnus's indignant responses.

It hit him again, just how much he had missed Magnus. He suddenly did not wish to think about the previous two weeks when he had been shutting him out. Alec wanted to forget those days. Push them away just for a little while. His hand became more firmly intertwined with Magnus's, so Magnus could draw more invisible lines on his skin and over his palm.

"For starters, I had broken my nail in judo class," Magnus admitted candidly, ''So when I'm saying it was an emergency, I'm positively not joking.''

Alec lifted his head. He remembered that Magnus attended judo classes, but hadn't asked much about them before. "Do you still attend those?"

"Of course," Magnus replied, this time with a playful tug of his lips. "They're too fun to drop. I'll have you know Alexander, I'm so close to getting a blue belt."

Alec wasn't sure what rank that symbolised, but he felt a flutter of emotion when Magnus's gaze softened as he added, "Do you know why I started them?"

Alec shook his head at the question, seeing how the other boy's face sobered up a little, "I was... getting some threats at school,'' Magnus explained, ''There was this kid who said he'll beat me up the next time I show up with make-up."

Concern and worry flooded Alec's heart like a river. Magnus had been threatened? Why did he not know about this?

Magnus quickly noticed his distress and darted closer, brushing his fingers through Alec's elbow, ''Hey, it's alright. It's in the past. It was scary at one point, but I'm okay now. It's safe to say that I'll kick the ass of anyone who wants to mess with me." Magnus swept a lock of hair from Alec's forehead, ''Look at me darling. I bring this up, because I need to ask you- does someone bully _you_?''

Clary's name surfaced on Alec's mind. But he knew that wasn't the same. It wasn't what Magnus was talking about and it wasn't what he was asking. ''No, I... no one is.''

Magnus paused, examining Alec's face. Eventually he let the matter drop, giving Alec a comforting look.

During the past couple of days Magnus kept coming by Alec's house to study and exchange notes. It made something in Alec's chest leap and he let himself stop thinking about the rest.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HM500 challenge  
> For word prompt : Joy

Alec dodged when a snowball flew past him, skillfully avoiding it.

"You missed," he boasted, barely resisting the impulse to stuck out his tongue at Magnus.

They were playing outside of Alec's house, since Magnus had insisted they should make the best out of the gathered snow before it melts at the end of the season.

Alec was the one leading so far, his snowballs managing to land on Magnus's coat three individual times, while the other boy had achieved only one successful shot at him.

Magnus gave him a defiant look, claiming Alec owed his success to luck alone.

''It's funny how you can't admit you're losing,'' Alec said in jest, because Magnus's cheerful mood was infectious and had gotten to him too.

"I'll show you funny...," Magnus replied joyfully in warning.

Before Alec could make another snowball, Magnus crossed his path, jogging to him and catching the edge of his jacket.

Alec's surprise turned into a chuckle, "Let me go, I have to pick more snow."

"Nuh-uh, you're not going anywhere. I'm changing tactics."

Alec lurched slightly to the side and found himself on his butt in the snow.

"You'll pay for that," he exclaimed between his attempts to win, bringing Magnus along with him until they were both unceremoniously rolling on the ground, giggling like kids and trying to catch their breath.

It was a while before Alec took notice of the position they eventually ended up on, with him randomly lying on his back and Magnus hovering from above, not exactly on top but still...

It was enough for Alec's heart to pick up speed all over again, his emotions turning into a flurry of excitement that was probably uncalled for, but Alec couldn't hold it back.

''Magnus,'' he trailed off, not knowing what he was asking for, not capable to even form it in his head.

Magnus's expression, which had been saturated with unabashed cheerfulness, was now sobered up. He leaned closer, kissing Alec's cheek.

And Alec felt his emotions skyrocket, biting his lips not to say something stupid. His face was on fire, the spot Magnus had kissed burning even after the other boy pulled back.

"Let's get inside," Magnus advised quietly, "Before we freeze out here."

Alec wasn't sure he could create a coherent sentence, but he managed to mutter a 'yes'.

Once they were in the warm space of Alec's hallway, he fiddled with his scarf, trying to wriggle out of it because it was covered in snow, and therefore moments away from being soaked in water. But his hands were just not cooperating, the rush he had felt outside was still reigning over his body, more distracting than anything Alec could think of.

''Let me help,'' Magnus offered, maybe amused by Alec's behaviour.

But helping meant that Magnus was now closer, _again_ , and Alec couldn't take this.

He closed his eyes, trying to pull himself together. But instead he heard Magnus's sharp intake of breath before Magnus's lips were on his.

**Author's Note:**

> Drop a comment with your thoughts if you like.  
> Thank you :)


End file.
